I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
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I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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