What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
