Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
