Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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