you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
