i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
