I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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