if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
