How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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