It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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