I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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