whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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