When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
How external is "for external use only"?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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