The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
