ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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