look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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