my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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