Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
