how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
