Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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