For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
