from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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