maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
