i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
