So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
