I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
