So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
