I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
