I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
