sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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