She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
