I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
