I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
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I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
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Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
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