thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
