I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
