Just cropdusted the office
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
