i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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