I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
