My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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