Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
