Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
