i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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