Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
