if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
