My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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