i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
