I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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