I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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