I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I have tasted many bathrooms
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
