Non-Jews are for practice
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
