apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
