Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
