the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
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