WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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