To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
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The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
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So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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