Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
