Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I smell like Dick and happiness
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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